vagina

here i am. posting again, i think. i need some sort of outlet for my angst and shame even though i keep resisting it.



so i moved to regina from whitehorse. in previous posts, i was freakish about not identifying where i lived, but that was only because whitehorse is so small that anyone who lived there and read my blog might be able to figure out who i am. that's where the shame aspect features. however, now i realize it really doesn't matter, and no one pays that much attention anyway.

i'm in regina because it's easier to be unemployed here than up north. it's so fucking cheap here! also, my mom is sick, so i thought it would be an opportune time to revisit my "hometown" for an extended period. so far, it's ok. although my lust for life seems to have dwindled to nights in front of the tv eating chocolate and smoking shitty weed. ahhh, whitehorse. it seems that only you have the crazies i need in order to add the right spice to my life. oh well. i like a challenge, so i'm going to make more of an effort to get into trouble around here. perhaps breadmaker can help me. . .

here comes the angst: fuck you. (just kidding) i'm actually only consciously angry about being separated from m. in whitehorse. i love him, and have an irritating habit of allowing my moods to be dictated by the frequency and "quality" of our communication since i've been gone. (maybe that's not really "anger" as such. but more like "frustration" and "neurotic emotional behaviour," but that definitely counts as angst-worthy for me.) ah, and i guess i'm angry that my mom is no longer able to live independently. she's only 61, and probably has at least another 10 years to live. but, she has to live with altered and limited mental abilities. this is really difficult for my dad. they've been married for 37 years, and now his wife is suddenly a completely different person.

i'm sure there's tons of other shit that deeply enrages me, but we'll keep it suppressed for awhile. at least until i feel a bit more comfortable in this new living situation.

i also feel i should mention that i suffered a bit of a mental breakdown in the spring and have been off work since then. it was great in whitehorse because i was living rent free all summer. now that i've "recovered" from crazyland, i have to find a way to re-enter the workforce. boring. or maybe it doesn't have to be. we'll see. any suggestions? my family is very uncomfortable with my unemployed status. don't they see how much happier i am? but i should find work, if only to get away from this shitball computer. i'm turning into one of those computer dependent people who only feel "connected" if they are "online."