put your "inner self" in me

i haven't been writing much on this blog lately. most of my time is spent at work, the gym, and my couch. work is a challenge, thus the "stoned" couch addiction. it's my preferred way to unwind. actually, getting stoned in the bath tub is referred to as "the cure" in my house. going to the gym balances everything out. my social life consists mainly of sunday brunch and that's ok. i'm enjoying laying low and spending most of my free time alone. because when i'm alone i can be as naked and silly as i want to be without judgement from anyone but myself.


also, when i'm alone i get to do a lot of thinking and writing, which has also been good for me lately. my own company is more interesting to me than anyone else's right now anyway. not that my friends (or potential friends) don't have fine qualities that deserve my attention, but you know, i'm more into exploring my "inner self" these days.


i think my "inner self" looks very much like i did when i was five.

this is the world

secretary

well, i sure am a working girl now. and oddly enough, it's not horrible. it's a refreshing change to be in a working environment that's hectic and disorganized and i'm not responsible for making it that way. i find it energizing. and it makes it easier on me as the new person in the office. my parent's lawyer approached me at my grandpa's funeral a few weeks ago and invited me to apply for a position in his office. it turns out the job is actually for him and one of his clients. i'm a corporate secretary (i love the term "secretary"-- it's very sexy) and a paralegal. i had a little bit of a freak out last weekend because having a job made me feel like regina is a more permanent situation, which in turn, made me so homesick for whitehorse and the people there. anyway, i got over it. i can leave anytime i want, and while i'm here i'm going to make the best of it. besides, it was way more fun being unemployed in whitehorse in the summer than it was being unemployed in regina in the winter.

put it in ya

i am the walrus

i've been feeling very thick and ponderous lately. like, i feel like how a walrus looks. not very pretty, not very energetic. but that's ok. it won't last forever, but right now my clothes are too tight and i like to hate myself because of it instead of remembering that hot chicks come in every size. and i am nothing if not a hot chick.

today may be the last day of this current stretch of unemployment and i'm ready to start doing again, as opposed to just being. just being seems to make me fat and sad. plus, being in the thrall of my family dynamic also seems to drag my ass down. (ok. i'll be honest here instead of blaming all the cicumstances, it's me that's making life shitty.)ever since "the summer of mental health issues" i've been "taking time off" to "re-evaluate my goals." so far, my "goals" seem farther away than they did before i started acting on them. maybe because i'm a great thinker and not such a great doer. how does one change that? i mean, doing shit is hard, and i'm, like, a girl who really, really likes to take it easy. i mean, even when i have all the time in the world, i refuse to do anything productive with it. that would interfere with my right to do nothing, you know.

thank god the holidays are over. x-mas is for kids. as an adult, the holidays only serve to magnify family dysfunction and personal neurosis. new year's eve is a stupid time to get drunk and disorderly because people tend to feel pressure to overdo it, and i always find it so melancholy. new year's resolutions are a recipe for failure and deepening feelings of inadequacey. oh, yeah. i've got my "poopy pants" on and i know that shit stinks. again, this funk is temporary. deep, deep down in my sweet, chocolate syrup drenched heart, i'm a raging optimist.

(note: it is now later, and i've just returned from my final interview and will be starting work tomorrow morning at 8. i'm so fabulous i'm going to shit my pants. my job involves admin work, paralegal duties, and multi-project managing for a law firm and a small but dynamic business. yeah, i'm not sure exactly what my job is yet, but i guess i'll find out once i start doing it. the office is in a gorgeous heritage house down the block from my apartment. yay!)

new year's eve was pretty tame. movies and homemade pizza with my friend heather who is in town from toronto. we got crazy for about 20 minutes, then went back to the couch to finish the devil wears prada. yes, i know. but i was hoping it would be a fashion extravaganza and fun and dishy and all that, but it was, in fact, just lame. it was the least effort meryl streep has ever had to put into a character, and to her credit, she was as entertaining as she could have been given the overall lameness of the script.

anyhoo, i'm going to enjoy my last day of freedom by reading the walrus (yes. i'm serious.) and eating the last of the x-mas cookies. i'm out of weed, so it looks like a gravol induced high tonight. happy new year.