there's even more

for me, emotional distress is like a cleanse, or more accurately, colonic irrigation. i know it's gross, but i'm going to talk about it anyway. when i'm really upset, i shit up a storm. last night i went over to my neighbour's house and got totally wasted, played nascar racing games and had a late steak dinner. it was nice, and when i left i was exhausted so i thought i'd finally just pass out and get some sleep. not so. i tossed and turned anxiously. then at around 1:30 am the phone rang. i heard my room mate getting directions and then he left the house. i assumed it was a booty call from "miss thursday night fuck." my guts clenched, then twisted horribly. my immediate physical reaction was accute nausea and severe diarreah. did i spell that right? you'd think i'd know because i seem to be really interested in my bowel's activities. at any rate, it was bad, bad, bad. just because he left in the middle of the night. it was especially upsetting because i had a conversation with him on sunday night about what i need from him in order not to go completely insane this month. i was very clear about the fact that i do not want him fucking anyone in this house until i am gone. i need that. and i needed him to say that i could count on it. well, trying to get this man to understand my feelings in the face of his need to be "free" is difficult to say the least. but, i finally made my point in terms that he could accept. you might think it's unfair of me to ask for something like that, but i don't. trust me, after living here for a year and a half with a man who never once asked me anything about my past, my interests, or my "issues" when i knew all of those things about him in detail because that's all he ever talked about, i don't feel bad about putting my feelings first for a change. it's neccesary for us both for me to experience the minimum of stress while i'm here, because i've discovered that accute jealousy is the one thing that could totally crack me up.(that, and lack of sleep.) and the idea that he was going out to fuck someone turns out to be just as upsetting as listening to it. however, he came back around 3:30 am with two friends (a couple) who needed someplace to stay. i heard a female voice when he came in the house, and i immediately jumped out of bed, threw on some clothes and went downstairs, ready for a fight. i suddenly did not care a teeny, tiny bit about how crazy i might look, or how embarassing it would be. i totally hate conflict of any kind, particularly when it comes to my feelings, so that kind of behaviour is not typical of me at all. thank god i didn't open my mouth before i realized what the situation actually was. they're still here, which is kind of annoying, but whatever. they're all watching tv in my room mate's bed. how cozy. i know he wants to fuck them both. i'm not being paranoid, i just know how this man thinks.