living with a million people

alright. i feel a little bad regarding that bitchy comment i made at the end of my last post about how my room mate probably wanted to fuck his house guests. i stand by the assertion that this is generally a safe assumption, however, in this particular instance, i would hope that it was doubtful. my room mate was on suicide watch for the young man, working with various other agencies (rcmp, mental health services, etc.) and trying to provide support for the young man's partner. they're not here anymore, and i really hope they're going to be ok. i talked to my room mate about it last night because i wanted to know why he needed to keep a shotgun at our neighbour's house for safe-keeping. we ended up having a fairly positive exchange. i was concerned about his capacity for taking on the responsibility of another person's will to live.

i've lost 5 pounds in one week. it's called the "sick to my stomach from anxiety" diet. my room mate went out for coffee and a woman just called for him a minute ago. i think it was "her." i was feeling pretty good until then. i was actually thinking yesterday that it was a "good" sign that she hasn't really been calling him, and that he's been busy with his friend's issues, and work and everything else that he was doing instead of having sex. i know this is awful. i'm awful. and now nothing else matters except how i feel. specifically about tonight. saturday is prime date night, and if he goes out with her, i'm going to be spending hours on the toilet. why am i like this? jealousy has suddenly taken over my entire life. and all for a man that i know is not mine, nor should he be. i think it's pretty obvious that i experience jealousy so strongly because i don't feel comfortable or accepting of who i am. i have low self-esteem, and i suspect that i don't feel deserving of love. that's it. that is how i live my life: as though i don't deserve to be loved. i'm too fat, ugly, hairy, stupid, needy. i close myself off to most men. the few that i let in are sure to be completely unavailable to me in some way. that seems to be the pattern. why? my parents loved me. my childhood was not particularly horrible. i've never been raped or physically abused by any male "authority figures" in my life. and, you know, it doesn't even matter why i'm like this. it could be for any number of reasons with a million variables culled from the day to day psychic assault that is an accummulated life. what matters is that i find a way to be something else other than this mass of self loathing. i need to find a way to take care of myself. i want to be able to rely on myself to feel good about who i am. it's exhausting getting knocked around like this because of how i perceive others perceiving me. i don't want to feel like dying everytime someone i want doesn't want me. i don't want to hate myself because i'm not getting what i need emotionally from other people. i want to be able to give myself what i need. i just don't know how to do that.