what good curves can you throw?

coming to terms with my own "eccentricities" is a mystifying process. i keep surprising myself. it's scary and weird, but "liberating" and kind of funny at the same time. this is how i dealt with my stress last night:

i came home from work depressed and tired. my room mate wasn't here and i didn't really feel like sitting around waiting to see what time he came home, so i went over to my neighbour's house. an aquaintance of mine was there as well-- i'll call him "rick." (the cheesey porn name seems to fit him. he's a drummer.) i sat down at the table and sighed without realizing it. immediately my neighbour wanted to know what was up. he knows shit's been going down and he wanted to know what was bothering me exactly. he thought i could benefit from a male perspective. so, i let it all out after a little prodding. that was good. it was actually pretty funny and helpful. my neighbour is excellent for insights and attitude adjustments, and "rick" was the perfect counterpoint to that. his line was basically i "deserved what i got." i can appreciate that point of view, particularly since i know he really has no investment in me one way or the other. besides, it made for some excellent "guffaw moments." of course, we were drinking and smoking pot. the only thing my neighbour had left was bailey's, which we drank over ice in wine goblets. but, just for fun, we also snorted a few lines of a coke/ecstasy cocktail. i was a bit unsure whether that was a good idea, given my "sensitive emotional state" of late, but what the hell, right? things got a bit strange after that. after "rick" went on a beer run, the conversation became centred around how cool it would be if we threw some burning logs on the table and i danced around naked. ha ha funny, you know? but then, i started thinking, and we started negotiating. i suddenly wanted very much for these men to see me. i wanted to know what they thought about what they were looking at. so i said, "what if i came out of the bathroom topless?" they, of course, were very receptive to this suggestion. i had to explain to them about the issues i have with my body and how this was going to be weird for me, i just got my period today, blah, blah, blah, etc. they were like "whatever. it's ok. we like real women, etc." so i did it. it was the strangest exhileration. i came out into the candle lit room (they thoughtfully felt that would be a more comfortable, initmate environment for me.) i stood there a bit awkwardly, did a few poses, a model turn and then i realized that i was half naked in front of two men and i didn't know what to do with it. the closest i've ever been to a similar experience was when i did a topless monologue years ago for my friend jason in is mother's basement. but, he's gay, so, you know, not much to fear there, even though it was exhilerating in it's own way. anyway, i went back into the bathroom, put my shirt back on and came out to applause. oh, they also critiqued me, at my request, while i was exposing myself. "nice breasts. really great." and "well, you could use somemore work at the gym, but still pretty appealing." it didn't matter whether they were just "being nice" or not. i think we all understood what i was looking for in this situation: validation and a sense of empowerment. and i'm not unaware that their main objective was to see some tits. it worked for all of us. but, they also wanted to see me "own it," so to speak. they wanted to see me feeling sexy rather than shy. and, you know, i wanted them to feel that way. i wanted permission to take it a bit further. after all, empowerment through a distorted form of objectification is what i wanted, right? so, i put on a bit of a show for the boys. still just topless, but full-on touching myself, eye contact, moving fluidly to the music, sensuality. i turned it on. and they loved it. i loved it. i couldn't get over how bizarre this all was. it was a "big deal" in a lot of ways. i really do have alot of "self-image" issues, and exposing my body is not something i do very often at all. i don't even own a bathing suit. but i don't feel bad about this experience. and i don't think i should, either. the whole mood of the night was open and electric. i know booze and drugs facilitated what we created, but that's what we use them for. it struck me again last night, that i don't know another woman like me. none of my friends would ever do something like that. and i know showing my tits to a couple of guys when i'm trashed, in itself, does not neccesarily mean i'm "special." women often put themselves in similar situations for terrible, painful reasons with unfortunate emotional or physical consequences. but, i was in control. even though i did it because i was responding to their desire to see it, i wanted to do it for my own reasons, ones that had nothing to do with theirs. and there's still the possibility that i'll feel bad about it at some point in the future. i think about things a lot, so it's my nature to change my initial feelings about something after analyzing it to death. but, so what? it's part of my process. plus, i really don't think i will end up regreting it. i'm learning that everything i do is for a specific reason, and if that's what i want to do at the time, there's no sense in regeting it later.

"rick" eventually left, and i was flush with desire for my neighbour after my little show, with all the drugs and alcohol coursing through my veins. of course, we "made out" before he gently insisted that i go home. it was so blissful in that moment to be touched by this man, to feel his desire, his tongue, his response. i had a very intense orgasm. my neighbour and i have our own pleasantly strange dynamic, which involves a certain amount of resistance to me sexually on his part. and i think that's good. i don't feel insulted by his boundaries. he tempers every interaction with me with a certain amount of care and respect, something i couldn't get from my room mate ( i don't neccessarily blame him for this, by the way.) my neighbour allows and encourages me to be who i am without feeling ashamed of it. it's what he looks for in people.

so there. i haven't told any of my girlfriends about it yet. there are two women with whom i am very close to here, and whenever anything of note happens in my life, they hear about it from me. my life is amusing and crazy to them. however, i'm not sure how they are going to react to this. i'm concerned they're going to feel like they should be worrying about me. that i was "acting out" in an "unhealthy" manner. maybe these are my own fears for myself creeping through the euphoria of doing something out of the ordinary. if it is, it seems natural to explore that too. i want to celebrate not being "ordinary." i want to fumble my way through.