self absorbed

so i'm off to vancouver tomorrow morning. i went out for a quick drink tonight with a girlfriend and saw my friend "pipes." he offered to drive me to the airport at 7 am. he's a super guy, but he was pretty hammered, so we'll see. i'm hoping this trip is going to be both productive (in terms of work) and a shit show (because of wendy) at the same time. i need it all right now.

i went over to my neighbour's house last night to pick up some toilet paper in exchange for cigarettes (don't ask.) and my room mate was there, very drunk. so i got really high, and started mouthing off a bit. but, when i do it, it comes out as really dry sarcasm, which i disguise as my "sense of humour." sometimes i don't even realize i'm doing it until i get the reaction. he was going on about "who's the next room mate going to be? who could possibly come after this?" kind of thing. and "the day after you decided to leave, you found a new place. how does that happen?" blah blah blah. i said, "look. i'm a pretty resourceful person. and so are you. it'll be fine. everything will work out." there was a pause, we had a drink, and then i said, "but, the difference is, people actually like me." another pause. my neighbour thought that was pretty funny, my room mate didn't. but, in general, everything was civil, even friendly. i made a joke about still having my shirt on after coming out of the bathroom. for some reason, i assumed my neighbour told my room mate about "topless dancing night," but he hadn't. so my room mate was confused and wanted to know why i said that. my neighbour cut that conversation short with a "you don't want to know." good call. it's none of his business, but i secretly wanted to rub it in his face. thank god, my neighbour knows better.

and then my room mate left, and i decided to hit on my neighbour again. not quite so successful as the last time. we talked about what happened. he said that we're never going to take those drugs together again. my orgasm and his erection were a bit too much for him i think. i babbled some crap about how i "get it." i "understand the boundaries" blah, blah, blah. and really, that's just my line, i've noticed. i'll say just about anything to get what i want, even the truth. but. but, i'm scared that i'm going to fall in love with him now. that would be just my style, you know. fuck myself over with one guy and then glom onto the guy who's "been there" for me. i'm such a dork. and it's totally not fair to my neighbour. i think he's completely aware of my "m.o." at least on some level. sleeping with me would end up a very messy situation. because, of course, i would get too emotionally attached to him in the wrong way, for the wrong reasons. which is a shame, because, seceretly, i think we'd make a great couple. however, it is not to be. he's another man i'm attracted to that is not available to me. i just can't stop being an idiot.

and, finally, i told my girls about "topless dancing night," and i don't know why i was worried. the reactions were, "good for you" and "what! i can't believe you did that! you are such a freak. . . good for you." so now i can stop making such a big deal out of it, and be quietly thankful that i am the way i am.

one more thing. i'm paranoid that the people i'm going to be moving in with have decided they don't want to live with me, and they're just waiting for the "right time" to let me know. this has been a persistent source of anxiety, and i don't know why. they have given me absolutely no indication that this will happen. the opposite, in fact. but, i can't help thinking that it was just too easy, that i'm a bit too smug about how "people like me" and that karma is going to kick me in the ass. i'll be the one left scrambling. worry, worry, worry is all i ever do, it seems. oh well. whatever happens, i always land on my feet (there i go again, being smug.)