there have been many times in my short life that i've felt i just couldn't take anymore. many, many times that i thought i wanted to die, that things were never going to change, that i was worth nothing.
how could i have felt that way? there was no reason to feel like that. when i look back to those times, i wonder why didn't i just say no? why didn't i just say what i really felt? why didn't i just leave?
i remember how i felt then. i remember and i know what i felt. i was scared. it was fear that motivated me. i made decisions based on fear. i am, in fact, still pretty scared. but it's ok. it's a little bit exhilerating now. it's a kind of grimacing fun.
i feel jittery and sick and anxious right this minute. it's 1 am here and my room mate just had a shower, he put on fresh clothes and some cologne and he went out. he drove somewhere and i don't know where he went.
apparently i have learned nothing from my life so far. because right this minute i feel like i'm worth nothing.
2 comments:
thanks gary. it's sunday proper now and i'm not stoned anymore so i have a better handle on reality at the moment.
I created a digital rendering after reading your post, specifically: 'I know what I felt. I was scared. It was fear that motivated me. I made decisions based on fear.'
I do this when I want to get closer to the disbaraging shadow flying from the roadkill without causing it to lose its unfinished meal. Thank you for your truths. They are felt by others. They caused me to be creative.
Post a Comment