grumpy bitch

the two emotions i can't bear, and which i experience a lot of, are guilt and jealousy. the guilt i have more control over, but the jealousy tends to come on like a ferocious beast (or at least a nervous cat) and will not be talked down or reasoned with. i find myself jealous over the stupidest things, like other people's life histories that do not include me or women whom i perceive as more attractive than i am. it's ridiculous. it's like i can't handle the fact that i am not the centre of everyone's universe so i go around judging every person and every situation against myself. it's very counter-productive and lame. fortunately, i am not ugly and i know that anyone's life history that does not include me is not really a life at all.

i woke up angry today for no apparent reason, so i decided to go the gym. i figured the walk there would calm me down and the profuse sweating during the work out would drain away any lingering bitchiness. not so. i go to a gym for women, mostly because it's the closest one and there's no mirrors in the work out area (i can't stand being able to see myself lumbering around excercise machinery and sweating like a pig with my mouth open so i can get enough oxygen.) but, most of the women there are middle aged or in their "golden years." which would be fine if i were a "normal" person with a "normal" range of reactions to other people who have really nothing to do with me. however, the sound of middle aged women talking really seems to enrage me for some reason. it sounds high pitched and grating. maybe i'm just experiencing some fear of aging and it's manifesting itself in this inexplicable hatred for ladies of a certain age in spandex and kitty sweatshirts. i realize how silly and unfair i can be. and these feelings are about as silly and unfair as you can get, but i'm experiencing them nonetheless. maybe it's actually all about issues i have with my mother. it's always her fault.

i'm going to work now and check up on my one employee. i seem to have a need to feel superior today, so i think i'm just going to go with it.