skyscraper

so the dinner party was nice last night. except people always end up asking me questions like "so what's going on? boyfriend yet?" or "you seeing anyone yet?" or "why aren't you drunk yet?" i like the last question because that's when i get to say "well get me a drink, bitch." really, it's not that bad, but i have landed in the alternate universe called "couples" which is quickly morphing into "couples with babies." i think that's why i like hanging out with my older friends-- none of them have kids. and if they do, they're my age and want nothing to do with their parents, which frees up mom and/or dad to get drunk with me. it's a good arrangement for everyone. don't get me wrong-- kids are cool and having kids is cool and all that, but i am so not there. i like spontaneous mushroom highs and getting so drunk i can't brush my teeth without laughing hysterically in the bath tub. not a good time for children, but great for me.

i'm going to have a bath now. serious shaving to do.

shake well before using

will it ever stop snowing? i have errands to do today and i'm always on foot, so i'm pretty sure it's going to suck at least a little bit. oh well.

this shaped up to be a pretty stupid weekend. i don't why i'm so out of sorts, but tomorrow will leave this behind. tonight i'm going to a dinner party for my friend's birthday. alaskan salmon and cake, my favorite foods. yum.

i can't stop listening to this modest mouse cd. must be good.

uh

there have been many times in my short life that i've felt i just couldn't take anymore. many, many times that i thought i wanted to die, that things were never going to change, that i was worth nothing.

how could i have felt that way? there was no reason to feel like that. when i look back to those times, i wonder why didn't i just say no? why didn't i just say what i really felt? why didn't i just leave?

i remember how i felt then. i remember and i know what i felt. i was scared. it was fear that motivated me. i made decisions based on fear. i am, in fact, still pretty scared. but it's ok. it's a little bit exhilerating now. it's a kind of grimacing fun.

i feel jittery and sick and anxious right this minute. it's 1 am here and my room mate just had a shower, he put on fresh clothes and some cologne and he went out. he drove somewhere and i don't know where he went.

apparently i have learned nothing from my life so far. because right this minute i feel like i'm worth nothing.

grumpy bitch

the two emotions i can't bear, and which i experience a lot of, are guilt and jealousy. the guilt i have more control over, but the jealousy tends to come on like a ferocious beast (or at least a nervous cat) and will not be talked down or reasoned with. i find myself jealous over the stupidest things, like other people's life histories that do not include me or women whom i perceive as more attractive than i am. it's ridiculous. it's like i can't handle the fact that i am not the centre of everyone's universe so i go around judging every person and every situation against myself. it's very counter-productive and lame. fortunately, i am not ugly and i know that anyone's life history that does not include me is not really a life at all.

i woke up angry today for no apparent reason, so i decided to go the gym. i figured the walk there would calm me down and the profuse sweating during the work out would drain away any lingering bitchiness. not so. i go to a gym for women, mostly because it's the closest one and there's no mirrors in the work out area (i can't stand being able to see myself lumbering around excercise machinery and sweating like a pig with my mouth open so i can get enough oxygen.) but, most of the women there are middle aged or in their "golden years." which would be fine if i were a "normal" person with a "normal" range of reactions to other people who have really nothing to do with me. however, the sound of middle aged women talking really seems to enrage me for some reason. it sounds high pitched and grating. maybe i'm just experiencing some fear of aging and it's manifesting itself in this inexplicable hatred for ladies of a certain age in spandex and kitty sweatshirts. i realize how silly and unfair i can be. and these feelings are about as silly and unfair as you can get, but i'm experiencing them nonetheless. maybe it's actually all about issues i have with my mother. it's always her fault.

i'm going to work now and check up on my one employee. i seem to have a need to feel superior today, so i think i'm just going to go with it.

modest mouse

i was having a poo on the toilet just now and a little mouse jumped out of my room mate's shaving kit. it then jumped off the toilet tank and onto my room mate's bathrobe which is hanging on the door. my ass was off the shitter faster than you can say "oh fuck." i don't get hysterical or anything when i see mice, but they're annoying, dirty little bastards. i don't like small animals shitting anywhere they like in my house. it's like they're asserting some kind of superiority over me by blantantly leaving turds behind the coffeemaker. how did it get on the toilet? can they climb on perfectly smooth surfaces? mysterious.

gross

i took my tongue piercing out yesterday. i've been thinking about doing it for awhile, but i just left it. i shouldn't say that i took it out--my esthetition (torture mistress) did because it was screwed on so tight i couldn't actually do it myself. now my mouth feels empty-- i keep sucking on my tongue in rememberance, and i realize how integral such a small piece of metal was to the everyday inner workings of who i am. i didn't realize how attached i was to that stupid thing until now. oh well. i had it for almost 4 years and as far as piercings go, it was a good run.

torture mistress. yes, i pay her to put me through excruciating pain every couple of weeks or so. it's called electrolysis. here's a gross little fact about me. when i was younger i made some unfortunate decisions regarding personal hair removal. for example, i shaved that fine, pale little trail of hair from my bellybutton to my pubic region (which is now equivalent to the bermuda triangle.) so, of course, the hair grew back thicker and darker. so i shaved it again. you get the picture. i got tired of waxing my belly-- it just seemed weird and oddly humiliating, even in private. i am also blessed with some strange hair growth pattern on my neck (this appeared after i stopped taking the pill.) my friends assured me that they could not see what i was talking about, but every once in awhile i'd find a couple of really course dark hairs growing on the side of my neck and occasionally on my chin. not cool with me, so i plucked them. well, then it seemed that i was constantly finding these hairs and continually plucking them away, and one day i realized that if i didn't stop doing this i was going to wake up with a beard. so electrolysis seemed like the most viable, permanent option. in case you don't know, electrolysis is a form of permanent hair removal that involves a very small filament that is inserted directly into the hair follicle. an electric current is then shot through the filament into the follicle killing the root of the hair. it fucking hurts. not only is there a tiny pin plunged deep into your dermis, it also electrocutes you. and she has to apply the treatment to each follicle for at least 5-10 seonds each time. it feels like you're burning from the inside in just one very small area. and my mouth always tastes like metal during the process. it's often a bewildering experience. i couldn't take it yesterday. she was working on my treasure trail and i practically had to chew on a piece of wood to keep from crying like a baby. we decided that i had reached my pain thresh hold for the day and i got the fuck out of there. i always leave her a tip, though.

disclaimer*

it's becoming more and more apparent that my room mate is on a very fast and noisy downward spiral. i was aware of this before, but i've just grown so used to his personality "tics" that i just attribute all the drinking and yelling and incessant talking about himself to his "character." i've been effectively ignoring the fact that this man needs desperately to pull himself together before it's too late. i've only known him for a relatively short time, but the word among his long-time friends is that he wasn't always such a depressing psycho. and i can easily see that. i've often thought to myself "man, what a totally cool guy. too bad he just about broke his teeth on the dining room table." ahh well. this is a pretty sensitive and important "real-life" issue. i shouldn't cheapen it with my ironic musings.

plus i'm all bitchy and out of sorts today because i'm hung over. my neighbour left for cuba this morning for 2 weeks, so of course, i was over at his house last night (and three other nights this week) saying "bon voyage." my neighbour is the perfect counterpoint to my room mate. he gets just as drunk as my room mate, but instead of it becoming an emotional ordeal bordering on a soul draining marathon of listening to someone else's persecution complex play itself out in ugly, minute detail for hours, it's actually fun. with my neighbour, i can say something about myself or talk about things without getting screamed at or outright ignored. it's refreshing.

*don't get me wrong-- i do have "normal" and healthy relationships with my other friends. they, in fact, keep me sane and allow me to explore my attraction to total weirdos, fuck-ups and other artist types. i just really enjoy the strangeness that can happen between people. we're such volatile creatures and i think it's worth the effort to embrace that fact. plus, i do genuinely care about the people in my life-- they're not just fodder for my witty blog postings. i understand that i use this medium to distance myself from the reality of the things i write about.

as for tonight, it's going to be beer and nachos with one of my girlfriends and then early to bed. i need a good night's sleep so i can actually get some work done this weekend.

hello fucky

i'm listening to swedish "alternative" radio on the internet. the music is pretty run of the mill, by my standards anyway (which are actually pretty low.) but i like listening to the announcers speak.

i just got home from the gym. my thighs hurt, which i suppose could be a good thing. it feels a bit like i've had sex, which i guess is the next best thing. the most satisfying action i've gotten this week is doing it by myself after smoking hash. however, i do need to get a vibrator. . .

and i just got the books for a correspondence course i'll be taking: how to teach english as a second language. just in case i need to leave the country, i'll be able to support myself easily.

i've also entered a writing competition. the piece i've entered is not very good, but i think i may have a decent chance of winning something anyway. i'm a bit delusional-- not about the quality of my own writing, but the lack of quality in other people's efforts. that way i get to think of myself as better than most other amateurs by default. bad logic definitely, but it keeps me unmotivated enough to try just hard enough to be a dabbler. low risk. not very courageous, but you know, writing is hard work. and stuff.

i've been having mild anxiety attacks lately, which usually signals a change in my life. i have a tendency to get stuck in routine and certain behaviours that make my life comfortable and "easy." so, these days i see anxiety and panic attacks as a positive development-- it means something is happening. i think it might actually have something to do with drinking a bit less than usual. as in, i'm not totally hammered 5 nights out 7. and i'm excercising, which is probably releasing all sorts of chemicals in my brain and body that i'm not used to (ie. not alcohol or drug related.) weird. i expect as time goes on in this fashion, i'll have a revelation about about something. maybe even an epiphany, if i'm lucky. this is an interesting prospect and the process gets more and more satisfying as i get older. because i am getting older. even if i don't really "embrace" it like a good feminist should. i'm a huge fan of "wrinkle reducing" or "skin plumping" creams and ointments and the like.

one more thing. the other night i went to a comedy improv performance. i was pretty gooned, so i thought it was funny even though it probably wasn't. anyway, after the show i dropped by my neighbour's house (you know, the guy i regularly try to make out with. to my credit, i am sucessful 4 times out of 10.) again, anyway. he was wearing a white terry cloth bathrobe when i walked in. i have never seen this man in anything other than black. all black all the time. it was startling. and kind of charming in a slightly creepy way.

shut up

it's late and i have to work tomorrow. normally i don't have to work on sundays, but tomorrow (today) i do. and my room mate is downstairs on the phone ranting, among other things. i hate nights like this.

blinding lights

i went cross country skiing this weekend. i was so stoked about it-- it was only my second time ever, and the first time this season. gorgeous weather, lots of snow, beautiful trail. perfect. yeah, until about half way when the trail became this hideous series of hills. suddenly the snow was way too deep, i didn't have enough wax on my skis and i was soaked with sweat and melting snow. staying upright was becoming too much of a challenge for the experience to be even remotely fun anymore. after awhile the only thing i could say was a variation of "fucking fuck shit. fuck." after falling for the 11th time i almost starting crying, i was so tired and pissed off. the snow was so deep i kept getting stuck and losing my balance. and it was getting dark.

thankfully, the payoff at the end of the day was a ridiculously expensive meal at the new restaurant in town. very french, lots of crepes and fantastic wine. so, of course, i drank my face off just to spite the fact i was paying $12.00 a glass. later on in the evening i was gambled off in a poker game (which was a lot more fun than skiing, i might add.) i passed out on my room mate's bed for 2 hours when i awoke to a house full of very young people who kept asking "do you have any beer" over and over again. i had no choice but to stay up until 9am "entertaining." sometimes i genuinely don't know how these things happen.

as penance for my debauchery, i joined a gym today. we'll see how long this lasts. . .

hell hath no fury like a loser scorned

happy new year muthafuckas. what i was expecting to be a quiet night with myself and some movies turned into a shitshow with my room mate and our neighbour. This didn't really seem like a big blow out kind of new year, so i was planning on laying low. i should have known better. i won't get into the details (mostly because i can't remember them) but it did end with a good, soul-cleansing freak out, complete with crying and various confessions of love.

drugs and alcohol really are fun. anytime.

i was just browsing through some blogs and came across one containing horrible "teenage death poetry." and by "horrible" i mean "utterly fantastic" (within the limited context of the genre, of course.) unfortunately, this stuff appears to be written by an adult male who is very, very bitter about an ex-girlfriend.
i detect absolutely no trace of irony on this site, so when i quote "The year I got raped in a photo booth" from a nugget called "2004" i actually feel bad about finding this so terribly funny. does this make me an asshole? probably. my apologies to the author for my lack of empathy and overabundance of cynicism.

i'm not house sitting anymore. the dog shat on the carpet twice near the end of my stay. i think she wanted me to leave just as much as i wanted to go. it really wasn't all that awful (except for the poo)but i'm a creature of habit, and i think i perform better as a human being in my own environment.