the small pancake

well the new friend date went swimmingly. she will definitely get a "callback." i even got totally drunk while she remained sober (she had to drive) and i didn't make an ass of myself (at least i don't think so.) i often drink too much or smoke pot before i go on first dates of any kind because i'm nervous. and i usually end up acting erratically, stupidly, or weird. i felt comfortable in this situation, so, in this case, that was the green light to relax, throw back some bourbon and get to know each other. we even hugged at the end of the night. sometimes the company of women is the only thing that really makes everything ok.

on top of that, i had a most helpful and enlightening conversation with my neighbour last night. i've been feeling very out of sorts lately, even though i'm doing all sorts of things that should be making me feel better, like going to the gym, smoking and drinking less, spending less money, taking care of hair removal issues, etc. but, i've been angry. almost out of control angry in a way that manifests in outlandishly hateful reactions to people. i don't publicly freak out or anything. i don't even yell at my friends, or my room mate. it's all happening in my head and it shows as a general grumpy moodiness. meanwhile, i want to kill everyone i see. my neighbour pointed out that everything i think about other people is really a reflection of myself. simple enough. i know that already. but, he went on to expand the point. i've been getting pissed off at people because they don't react the way i want them to, or at the very least, i expect people to react a certain way and sometimes they do, and sometimes they don't. he said that if i just accepted the fact that i don't know what other people are thinking, and stop trying to predict their behaviour based on my own thoughts and behaviours (because that is the only way anyone can possibly perceive other people) i would be free of a lot of bullshit. in essence, i could do whatever i wanted, say whatever i wanted, be whoever i wanted, because i wouldn't have to worry about what the reaction was going to be. if i accept the idea that i have no clue what people are thinking about me, then i can't base my actions on their possible reactions. i know this sounds like a pretty basic revelation. i've thought about it before and even read about similar ideas, etc. but for some reason, the whole progression and timing of the conversation was exactly right. he said it's obvious that i'm getting ready for a change. i'm pissed off all the time because something is not right and it needs to be fixed. the "self improvements" that i've been doing are actually complementary to the anger-- they are not the solution (as i was first perceiving them,) but a symptom. and it's good, even though it feels uncomfortable right now. needless to say, i'm a little scared of the implications.

my neighbour explained how living with the knowledge of the only thing you really know is yourself has played out in his life, and it made perfect sense. the whole conversation totally opened me up again. i just needed someone to clarify things for me, and i think that's why it made such an impact. he said a bunch of stuff that made sense, actually. it was surprising. and half the conversation was really about how i relate to my room mate, even though neither of us actually said it.

shit. i have to go to work now.