pour vous, wendy

i had comp tickets for a music festival this weekend, but i decided to volunteer in the hospitality lounge for the performers instead. i felt that would be more entertaining, and i was right. i like bartending- you're in control of the liquor and you can say almost anything you want to the clientele. plus, i got to find out which of the musicians are assholes in real life.

i have decided that i'm not in love with my room mate anymore. it's impossible to be in love with someone who resists me that much. completely futile and stupid. i see evidence of it everyday-- his complete indifference to who i actually am and what i was offering to him. it doesn't make me angry anymore, just sad that i can't inspire any more in him than a bit of sexual release. i still want to fuck him though, and i'm wondering if that was all it ever was. i also wanted to be the most important thing in his life and it was clear i would never even come close. but the sex is generally phenomenal (when it happens) and i think i got a bit confused about what that means: not much to him, and a lot to me. i made a half assed attempt to seduce him last night and as soon as i kissed him, he got that kind of knowing smirky smile, because he knows exactly what i want, and i just couldn't bring myself to continue. oddly enough, though, we have become friends over the course of our co-habitation, and he can appreciate our relationship on that level most of the time. it's a weird situation. everything seems weird when i think about it. i go through my life as though everything i say and do is "normal" until someone says or does something that reminds me it's not. i like it when that happens, because then i know i'm probably doing something right even if i'm doing everything wrong.

so that's my little emotional revelation for the day. i already masturbated, so the rest of the day is wide open until i go back to the hospitality lounge to serve alcohol to egotistical musicians and the people who love them.