alright. big day today. i gave my month's notice to my room mate. this has been a long time coming but i kept putting it off, making excuses, waiting for something to happen, and it finally did. he came home thursday night with a woman. i could not bare to lay in my bed and listen to them having sex 6 feet below me. i wanted to die. it felt like i was going to. all the smug assumptions i had about how no woman would be stupid/crazy/desperate enough to sleep with this man except me were blown to bits. it was all fine and good for me to wise up and realize that i wasn't in love with him anymore. it was all very amusing to be flippant about the way i live my life and how silly it must seem. it really didn't feel very amusing the other night. at 2 am i took a cab to my friend's house and i've been there until today, excepting the 10 minutes i spent here yesterday grabbing an overnight bag. we did not say a word to each other. but, i thought i should be a big girl, come home and express my feelings like an adult. it went about as well as i expected. i'm going back to my friend's house tonight, go to work tomorrow and do all the shit i was supposed to do on friday when i called in sick, and then come home again and try to make the next month as painless as possible for the both of us. i don't hate him. how can i? i walked right into this whole clusterfuck with my eyes wide open.
i'm not going to describe the ugly, stupid details of how fucked up i feel or what we said to each other. i didn't cry. not even that night. i am relieved that i was forced to do something i should have done months ago. and i am very, very sad that words never seem to be enough between people.
oh my god. i think i just spoke to the woman he slept with on the phone. jesus fucking christ. the next month is going to be unbelievably hard.
Saturday, February 26, 2005
Thursday, February 24, 2005
no sex for you
kids do not belong at the gym. particularly those little shits whose asshole parents think when their kids don't listen, it's charming that little jonny is "asserting his independence." hey kid, take your tonka truck and your blankie and fuck off. take your mom with you.
moving on. there's a film crew right outside my house. they're filming a geographically specific situation comedy, so i guess they're actually a television crew. my original plan was to sit in my front yard drinking scotch and smoking pot until the director got annoyed with my drunken commentary. if they asked me to go inside, i was going to make them give me a hundred dollars before i moved an inch. unfortunately, i have to work, so i'll have to be obnoxious there for today.
my room mate and i just had a brief conversation. basically, no more sex. the other night my neighbour jokingly said that he would take care of my psychological development/needs and my room mate can take care of the physical end of things. i shared this with my room mate and his response was "i'm not doing that anymore. it's too confusing and just messes things up." i said, "it's ok. my feelings have changed about that anyway." and they have. i'm not in love with him anymore. a real relationship with my room mate is an impossibility. however, i am sadly going to miss getting royally fucked by this man. we've had similar conversations before, and we've always ended up screwing our brains out at some point anyway, but i'm going to try not to count on it this time. plus, i'm still going to have to deal with the sexual jealousy. and it's still not going to be ok to have to witness him trying to make it with other people. so, i'm just going to have to grit my teeth, be celibate for a while, and we'll see what happens.
it would be really great if i met the love of my life today. that would take care of a lot of problems.
moving on. there's a film crew right outside my house. they're filming a geographically specific situation comedy, so i guess they're actually a television crew. my original plan was to sit in my front yard drinking scotch and smoking pot until the director got annoyed with my drunken commentary. if they asked me to go inside, i was going to make them give me a hundred dollars before i moved an inch. unfortunately, i have to work, so i'll have to be obnoxious there for today.
my room mate and i just had a brief conversation. basically, no more sex. the other night my neighbour jokingly said that he would take care of my psychological development/needs and my room mate can take care of the physical end of things. i shared this with my room mate and his response was "i'm not doing that anymore. it's too confusing and just messes things up." i said, "it's ok. my feelings have changed about that anyway." and they have. i'm not in love with him anymore. a real relationship with my room mate is an impossibility. however, i am sadly going to miss getting royally fucked by this man. we've had similar conversations before, and we've always ended up screwing our brains out at some point anyway, but i'm going to try not to count on it this time. plus, i'm still going to have to deal with the sexual jealousy. and it's still not going to be ok to have to witness him trying to make it with other people. so, i'm just going to have to grit my teeth, be celibate for a while, and we'll see what happens.
it would be really great if i met the love of my life today. that would take care of a lot of problems.
Wednesday, February 23, 2005
no soup for you
i've got the biggest fucking headache in the world right now. i just had the longest day that essentially ended with a burlesque cabaret. i say "essentially" because i guess the day isn't technically over and the cabaret is. but we're finally nearing the end, just this last gasp to go. enjoy.
no. no. no more. just can't do it. too tired. goodnight.
no. no. no more. just can't do it. too tired. goodnight.
Tuesday, February 22, 2005
the small pancake
well the new friend date went swimmingly. she will definitely get a "callback." i even got totally drunk while she remained sober (she had to drive) and i didn't make an ass of myself (at least i don't think so.) i often drink too much or smoke pot before i go on first dates of any kind because i'm nervous. and i usually end up acting erratically, stupidly, or weird. i felt comfortable in this situation, so, in this case, that was the green light to relax, throw back some bourbon and get to know each other. we even hugged at the end of the night. sometimes the company of women is the only thing that really makes everything ok.
on top of that, i had a most helpful and enlightening conversation with my neighbour last night. i've been feeling very out of sorts lately, even though i'm doing all sorts of things that should be making me feel better, like going to the gym, smoking and drinking less, spending less money, taking care of hair removal issues, etc. but, i've been angry. almost out of control angry in a way that manifests in outlandishly hateful reactions to people. i don't publicly freak out or anything. i don't even yell at my friends, or my room mate. it's all happening in my head and it shows as a general grumpy moodiness. meanwhile, i want to kill everyone i see. my neighbour pointed out that everything i think about other people is really a reflection of myself. simple enough. i know that already. but, he went on to expand the point. i've been getting pissed off at people because they don't react the way i want them to, or at the very least, i expect people to react a certain way and sometimes they do, and sometimes they don't. he said that if i just accepted the fact that i don't know what other people are thinking, and stop trying to predict their behaviour based on my own thoughts and behaviours (because that is the only way anyone can possibly perceive other people) i would be free of a lot of bullshit. in essence, i could do whatever i wanted, say whatever i wanted, be whoever i wanted, because i wouldn't have to worry about what the reaction was going to be. if i accept the idea that i have no clue what people are thinking about me, then i can't base my actions on their possible reactions. i know this sounds like a pretty basic revelation. i've thought about it before and even read about similar ideas, etc. but for some reason, the whole progression and timing of the conversation was exactly right. he said it's obvious that i'm getting ready for a change. i'm pissed off all the time because something is not right and it needs to be fixed. the "self improvements" that i've been doing are actually complementary to the anger-- they are not the solution (as i was first perceiving them,) but a symptom. and it's good, even though it feels uncomfortable right now. needless to say, i'm a little scared of the implications.
my neighbour explained how living with the knowledge of the only thing you really know is yourself has played out in his life, and it made perfect sense. the whole conversation totally opened me up again. i just needed someone to clarify things for me, and i think that's why it made such an impact. he said a bunch of stuff that made sense, actually. it was surprising. and half the conversation was really about how i relate to my room mate, even though neither of us actually said it.
shit. i have to go to work now.
on top of that, i had a most helpful and enlightening conversation with my neighbour last night. i've been feeling very out of sorts lately, even though i'm doing all sorts of things that should be making me feel better, like going to the gym, smoking and drinking less, spending less money, taking care of hair removal issues, etc. but, i've been angry. almost out of control angry in a way that manifests in outlandishly hateful reactions to people. i don't publicly freak out or anything. i don't even yell at my friends, or my room mate. it's all happening in my head and it shows as a general grumpy moodiness. meanwhile, i want to kill everyone i see. my neighbour pointed out that everything i think about other people is really a reflection of myself. simple enough. i know that already. but, he went on to expand the point. i've been getting pissed off at people because they don't react the way i want them to, or at the very least, i expect people to react a certain way and sometimes they do, and sometimes they don't. he said that if i just accepted the fact that i don't know what other people are thinking, and stop trying to predict their behaviour based on my own thoughts and behaviours (because that is the only way anyone can possibly perceive other people) i would be free of a lot of bullshit. in essence, i could do whatever i wanted, say whatever i wanted, be whoever i wanted, because i wouldn't have to worry about what the reaction was going to be. if i accept the idea that i have no clue what people are thinking about me, then i can't base my actions on their possible reactions. i know this sounds like a pretty basic revelation. i've thought about it before and even read about similar ideas, etc. but for some reason, the whole progression and timing of the conversation was exactly right. he said it's obvious that i'm getting ready for a change. i'm pissed off all the time because something is not right and it needs to be fixed. the "self improvements" that i've been doing are actually complementary to the anger-- they are not the solution (as i was first perceiving them,) but a symptom. and it's good, even though it feels uncomfortable right now. needless to say, i'm a little scared of the implications.
my neighbour explained how living with the knowledge of the only thing you really know is yourself has played out in his life, and it made perfect sense. the whole conversation totally opened me up again. i just needed someone to clarify things for me, and i think that's why it made such an impact. he said a bunch of stuff that made sense, actually. it was surprising. and half the conversation was really about how i relate to my room mate, even though neither of us actually said it.
shit. i have to go to work now.
Sunday, February 20, 2005
harder please
so i'm going on a new friend date tonight. this is my least favorite part of friendships: the beginning. the first time i hang out alone with the (potential) new friend is always the deal breaker for me. if it doesn't go well the first time, i usually don't bother pursuing it. it wasn't always like that, but as i get older i'm a lot more selective with who i spend time with (not that i have particularly high standards or anything.) but, this should be ok.
i had a super shitty day yesterday, so i slept over at a friend's house. a change of pace and scenery seems to go a long way to setting me straight again. my room mate can be annoying, especially when he doesn't do what i want. i'm becoming a grumpy bitch. at least it's a beautiful day.
i had a super shitty day yesterday, so i slept over at a friend's house. a change of pace and scenery seems to go a long way to setting me straight again. my room mate can be annoying, especially when he doesn't do what i want. i'm becoming a grumpy bitch. at least it's a beautiful day.
Thursday, February 17, 2005
i named my kid std
i think i have an overactive guilt gland or something. it seems to be located in my ass, because as soon as i feel guilt, i have to shit. it's weird. i admitted to someone at work today that i once or twice took a pack of cigarettes from the shop and paid for them the next day when i had cash. now i'm paranoid that i'm going to get fired. and i only did it twice because i felt so guilty about it. i can only spend so much time in the bathroom, you know. maybe it's not guilt, just a fear of getting caught that i find so distressing. at any rate, the "feeling" i get from doing "bad" things (ie. abusing my "position" at work, lying, cheating, stealing, hurting small animals, etc.) generally prevents me from doing most "bad" things. however, i have a very strange and selective idea of what i would constitute as "bad" behaviour. drinking to excess and doing stupid shit in that context is generally ok. but, not at work. taking drugs and doing even dumber shit is ok-- but, not at work. getting drunk, taking drugs and sleeping with my room mate is ok-- but, again, not at work. you get the idea. stealing, cheating and hurting small animals is never a good idea, even if on my own time. and lying, well, that's a grey area. i sometimes do it, but i always feel shitty about it. exaggerating the truth doesn't count. and you guessed it, i don't do it at work.
i generally despise women's magazines. unfortunately, they're extremely fun to read, so if i feel like i need a self loathing "i'm too fat to live, i will never be as successful, beautiful, rich, etc. as the glossy people" fix, i buy jane magazine. i can at least relate to the writing a bit. anyway, they have a monthly feature called "it happened to me" and if they print your story, you get a thousand dollars (in US funds!) i have several "it happened to me" stories that would make for great reading, and a thousand US dollars would be a great way to start my summer. unfortunately, i am a habitual procrastinator, so even though it would be easy to write a short ditty about some hilarious/tragic episode in my life, i may not actually get around to doing it. it would mean not only writing the thing, but editing, printing and possibly mailing it (i refuse to e-mail writing submissions to anyone. only because i always fuck it up.) why does this seem like a huge task to me? i can't be that pathologically lazy, can i? we'll see. however, i love that i naturally assume it would get published if i sent it. i mean, come on, have you read those things?but, there was this really good one where the author got a moth lodged in her ear just as she was about to kick the shit out of someone. that was a good story.
i generally despise women's magazines. unfortunately, they're extremely fun to read, so if i feel like i need a self loathing "i'm too fat to live, i will never be as successful, beautiful, rich, etc. as the glossy people" fix, i buy jane magazine. i can at least relate to the writing a bit. anyway, they have a monthly feature called "it happened to me" and if they print your story, you get a thousand dollars (in US funds!) i have several "it happened to me" stories that would make for great reading, and a thousand US dollars would be a great way to start my summer. unfortunately, i am a habitual procrastinator, so even though it would be easy to write a short ditty about some hilarious/tragic episode in my life, i may not actually get around to doing it. it would mean not only writing the thing, but editing, printing and possibly mailing it (i refuse to e-mail writing submissions to anyone. only because i always fuck it up.) why does this seem like a huge task to me? i can't be that pathologically lazy, can i? we'll see. however, i love that i naturally assume it would get published if i sent it. i mean, come on, have you read those things?but, there was this really good one where the author got a moth lodged in her ear just as she was about to kick the shit out of someone. that was a good story.
Tuesday, February 15, 2005
arse
life is just so exhausting. my job is so boring, sometimes i just want to slit my wrists. i need to go "outside."(that's what we call the rest of the world here.) thankfully, i've got a couple of trips coming up, although one of them doesn't really count because i'm going back to my "hometown" and it was outrageously disappointing the last time i went. excepting the fun i had with my "peeps," the place holds no allure whatsoever. bland, vaguely uncomfortable crapulence. did i spell "crapulence" correctly? who cares. the other trip is for business, which seems totally hilarious to me, not only because it's for business, but because it's also completely paid for. which, i guess, is how business trips generally work. i'm sure you've already assumed that i've never been on one before, and you would be right. should be a "hoot," particularly because i've got a friend in that city i haven't seen in years, and we've got a lot of debaucherous catching up to do. counting down the days. (p.s. wendy: i can't go completely insane because i actually do need to get my "work" done. i don't want to totally fuck up my first business trip, you know. however, i'm well practiced at staying up all night getting shitfaced and going to work the next day, so we should be alright.)
my neighbour just called. he drank a bottle of scotch and now he's taking his dog for a walk. such a good man. i say that because he was totally slurring and everything. i can't even be bothered to wash my face when i'm that drunk. he wanted to leave a message for my room mate: don't come over-- i'm going to bed. my room mate will be disappointed because he's in love with our neighbour. i love my soap opera life.
i think someone is stealing our mail.
my neighbour just called. he drank a bottle of scotch and now he's taking his dog for a walk. such a good man. i say that because he was totally slurring and everything. i can't even be bothered to wash my face when i'm that drunk. he wanted to leave a message for my room mate: don't come over-- i'm going to bed. my room mate will be disappointed because he's in love with our neighbour. i love my soap opera life.
i think someone is stealing our mail.
Saturday, February 12, 2005
pour vous, wendy
i had comp tickets for a music festival this weekend, but i decided to volunteer in the hospitality lounge for the performers instead. i felt that would be more entertaining, and i was right. i like bartending- you're in control of the liquor and you can say almost anything you want to the clientele. plus, i got to find out which of the musicians are assholes in real life.
i have decided that i'm not in love with my room mate anymore. it's impossible to be in love with someone who resists me that much. completely futile and stupid. i see evidence of it everyday-- his complete indifference to who i actually am and what i was offering to him. it doesn't make me angry anymore, just sad that i can't inspire any more in him than a bit of sexual release. i still want to fuck him though, and i'm wondering if that was all it ever was. i also wanted to be the most important thing in his life and it was clear i would never even come close. but the sex is generally phenomenal (when it happens) and i think i got a bit confused about what that means: not much to him, and a lot to me. i made a half assed attempt to seduce him last night and as soon as i kissed him, he got that kind of knowing smirky smile, because he knows exactly what i want, and i just couldn't bring myself to continue. oddly enough, though, we have become friends over the course of our co-habitation, and he can appreciate our relationship on that level most of the time. it's a weird situation. everything seems weird when i think about it. i go through my life as though everything i say and do is "normal" until someone says or does something that reminds me it's not. i like it when that happens, because then i know i'm probably doing something right even if i'm doing everything wrong.
so that's my little emotional revelation for the day. i already masturbated, so the rest of the day is wide open until i go back to the hospitality lounge to serve alcohol to egotistical musicians and the people who love them.
i have decided that i'm not in love with my room mate anymore. it's impossible to be in love with someone who resists me that much. completely futile and stupid. i see evidence of it everyday-- his complete indifference to who i actually am and what i was offering to him. it doesn't make me angry anymore, just sad that i can't inspire any more in him than a bit of sexual release. i still want to fuck him though, and i'm wondering if that was all it ever was. i also wanted to be the most important thing in his life and it was clear i would never even come close. but the sex is generally phenomenal (when it happens) and i think i got a bit confused about what that means: not much to him, and a lot to me. i made a half assed attempt to seduce him last night and as soon as i kissed him, he got that kind of knowing smirky smile, because he knows exactly what i want, and i just couldn't bring myself to continue. oddly enough, though, we have become friends over the course of our co-habitation, and he can appreciate our relationship on that level most of the time. it's a weird situation. everything seems weird when i think about it. i go through my life as though everything i say and do is "normal" until someone says or does something that reminds me it's not. i like it when that happens, because then i know i'm probably doing something right even if i'm doing everything wrong.
so that's my little emotional revelation for the day. i already masturbated, so the rest of the day is wide open until i go back to the hospitality lounge to serve alcohol to egotistical musicians and the people who love them.
Saturday, February 05, 2005
no place like home
so around 5:30 this morning i woke up to this weird noise. it sounded like french fries just when they're dumped in the deep fryer at A&W. it didn't seem right. i got up and there was an odd smell coming from from the heating vent in my room. so i went downstairs and discovered that the hot water pipe had burst in the laundry room. water was spraying everywhere and it was coming into the kitchen. i woke up my room mate who was sleeping soundly 2 feet away from the waterpark that had been developing for god knows how long. he called the downstairs neighbour (susan) to get her to shut off the water valve, but her daughter answered the phone and said that she was sleeping. well, no fucking kidding. so were we, until we realized that we had a serious problem. my room mate went downstairs and shut it off because they couldn't figure out how to do it. for some reason the furnace decided to stop working at about the same time this was all going on. i think susan shut it off by mistake when she was mucking around with the water valve. at any rate we've been without water and heat since this morning. no fun. the heat is back on, but the house reeks of oil.
the plumber is now here. i can hardly wait to have a shower.
i was supposed to go dog sledding this morning, but i really can't do anything unless i'm able to shit and shower beforehand, so i guess it'll have to wait. plus, it's fucking cold outside:-45 C. plus, i'm exhausted and hung over. at least it's sunny outside.
i went to a concert last night. an aquaintance had an extra comp ticket so he invited me along. neither of us was really familiar with the band. i really didn't enjoy it that much--the guitarist was being a total anal bitch. she kept giving direction to the sound guy:"more of my guitar in the main sound. way more. way, way more. more of my vocals and less of hers. more of my guitar in my monitor and less of the fiddle. way, way less. . . " and on and on. it was getting uncomfortable. she kept making these big hand gestures and shooting irritated looks to the sound booth after each song had started. i understand the desire to get things right, but she was being so ungracious about it. perfection is meant for studio recordings, i think. a few glitches that the audience is unaware of during a live performance is par for the course. plus, there are better ways to suggest sound changes, like passing a message to a stage hand to take to the sound booth, rather than yelling across the venue in the middle of the show. it was incredibly irritating.
the plumber is now here. i can hardly wait to have a shower.
i was supposed to go dog sledding this morning, but i really can't do anything unless i'm able to shit and shower beforehand, so i guess it'll have to wait. plus, it's fucking cold outside:-45 C. plus, i'm exhausted and hung over. at least it's sunny outside.
i went to a concert last night. an aquaintance had an extra comp ticket so he invited me along. neither of us was really familiar with the band. i really didn't enjoy it that much--the guitarist was being a total anal bitch. she kept giving direction to the sound guy:"more of my guitar in the main sound. way more. way, way more. more of my vocals and less of hers. more of my guitar in my monitor and less of the fiddle. way, way less. . . " and on and on. it was getting uncomfortable. she kept making these big hand gestures and shooting irritated looks to the sound booth after each song had started. i understand the desire to get things right, but she was being so ungracious about it. perfection is meant for studio recordings, i think. a few glitches that the audience is unaware of during a live performance is par for the course. plus, there are better ways to suggest sound changes, like passing a message to a stage hand to take to the sound booth, rather than yelling across the venue in the middle of the show. it was incredibly irritating.
Thursday, February 03, 2005
lettuce
ho hum. i've been really into bathing lately. i love water that's almost too hot to bear, and reading is so much more exciting-- will i get the book wet? plus, i'm naked, so that's fun when you're doing anything.
i really have nothing to say, but i feel gulity if i ignore the blog. time for a bath.
i really have nothing to say, but i feel gulity if i ignore the blog. time for a bath.
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