i am 28 years old. my room mate is 48 years old. my neighbour is 44 years old. i've been thinking about aging a lot lately, and how may/december relationships work. my room mate and i started sleeping together less than a month after i moved in. (yeah, i know.) of course, i think i'm in love with him. however, he is very clear about the fact that he is not in love with me. i'm trying to figure out if this is crushing my heart or my ego.
i've said to him that i can't understand why he's not in love with me. there are a lot of things wrong about saying this to someone (like, how can you possibly respond to that kind of statement, etc.) but the worst thing about it is that what i really meant was "how could you possibly not be in love with me, you old fool? i'm 28. how can i not be the best thing that's happened to you in years?" i know this is faulty "logic." i know it implies all sorts of crappy things about my character (like shallowness, inability to grasp reality, etc.) and i know there's a good reason he's not in love with me: i'm just not the one for him. (which obviously means he's not the one for me either, but it's extremely hard to get my head around that fact for some reason.) it's got nothing to do with whether i'm "good enough" or not. it's not a reflection of my lack of sophistication, beauty, intelligence, or any number of other things. he's said all this stuff to me, by the way, in an attempt to make me feel ok about it all and to ensure that there are good relations between us (to keep the possibility of sex open, of course.) hmmm. i wonder if i'm being bitter here or i'm having a moment of clarity.
at any rate, i can deal with this. i am choosing to deal with it by continuing to live in the same house with him. (yeah, i know.) i've discovered i'm one of those annoying sickos who only feel comfortable when there's a certain amount of discomfort in my life. a disturbing pattern is emerging from my limited experience with love. (my ex-boyfriend is a junkie.) i hate admitting this about (to) myself. i mean i really, really hate it.
why is it so easy to choose or gravitate towards really great friends? and then make such shitty choices about partners?
1 comment:
French Maiden -- Unfortunately, we have built into us, from the way we were snatched up, a script that has a Prince Charming--or Princess Charming--that may well be a Dark Prince.
When we audition people for this role, we're not comfortable with them unless they meet the criterion that's built in.
Sounds like you need an attitude-script-adjustment.
You don't say how old your boyfriend is. Take the advice of an old man (72) married to a beautiful, young woman (38), if the guy says he doesn't love you, move on.
Or at least don't prostitute yourself to him.
Though I've not been able to control the part of my blog that tells about me, me, me, as What's-His-Name sings it in his hit hillbilly song, you can see more about my situation at my blog -- http://tomroper.blogspot.com/
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