jesus gives me chocolate

i nearly had a nervous breakdown last night (again.) yesterday was the first day of my cleanse, which basically means i'm only eating a limited selection of fruits, vegetables, protein and whole grains. no dairy, no salt, no sugar, no bread or pasta. ummmm, so basically i can't eat anything that i normally do. and holy fuck, after 5 pm, i basically started chain smoking and calling various people to complain about the astounding discomfort i was experiencing. i had to restrain myself from eating a package of cough drops left over from when i was sick. i was shaking. i was not able to concentrate on anything other than how goddamn hungry i felt, and how robin's donuts is just a few easy steps away from my front door. and then i remembered the chocolates in my freezer.

well, fuck. from 7pm until 10pm, all i thought about was how shitty i would feel if i ate them, how weak and pathetic i would feel if i couldn't eat sugar or fat for one measly day. it was serious internal conflict, serious jonesing. at 10:01pm i ate every single chocolate left in the box, and then i passed out.

on the upside, i had very pleasant dreams about being at parties with lots of cute, scruffy boys who all wanted to talk to me. i woke up without the waves of self loathing i had expected. i continued my cleansing regimen and joined the gym at the ywca and had an all round productive day. but now night has fallen once again, and i am fucking dying of sugar, fat, starch, etc. cravings. i am hungry. 10 glasses of water a day do not help fill you up, no matter what they say. god. and being a habitual pot smoker does not help.

technically, i'm not supposed to be smoking anything during this cleanse, but for christsake, i need something to keep me from licking jam residue from the inside of the fridge. or killing someone. so, i think tonight i'm going to smoke a bowl and try and deal with it until i can't, then i'm going to take a few sleeping pills (don't worry, they're "natural source") and sleep the pain away.