canadian club

doesn't god know i need sun to be happy? and no pms, too. i also want to say to god, i'd be a lot fucking happier with perkier tits and some sort of direction in my life. oh right, i don't believe in god, i believe in myself. i guess perkier tits are going to have to wait until i find my "direction" (i.e. when i finally get around to generating enough cash through meaningful, interesting, fun work to pay off my crap ass student loans.) then i can start my "plastic surgery phase."

oh shit. it's the oscars tonight. even though i have an embarassing "celeb gossip" vice, i hate the academy awards. boring and lame. kind of like my life right now. it's like i've entered into my "golden years" 30 years prematurely. i spend my spare time watching law and order, (which is the equivalent of matlock these days) and eating soft foods. i am characteristically in bed by 10 pm. can't say that it's all bad, though. i think i'm gearing up for another big life change of some sort, so i need the rest.

interpretive driving

i was finally forced into changing to new blogger-- change is hard, but so far this is ok. i still haven't ventured into myspace land, so i can still respect myself. ha ha. i'm just kidding. i know a few myspacers who aren't total losers.

i've got to stop being such a crabby judgemental bitch. . . seriously. i hate it when people judge me, but then i use that as an excuse to judge them. (p.s. i'm not talking about anyone specific here, in case you might wonder.)

fucker spit

do you think it's a "bad thing" to get high before noon on sunday? i just like to get stoned before brunch because generally the food is actually pretty gross (come on, you know it is) at the corner house. but i like to go anyway. the dessert table is really the draw for me. oh, and leaving my apartment to participate in a social activity is good, too.

i bought a bunch of cosmetics today. clinique. i sit around my apartment getting stoned and "putting on my face." then i eat something and have a bath. then maybe i make a few phone calls, watch tv (oooh the grammy's are on tonight) and then i pass out. i'm hardcore. but i look great. i got a sack of free samples with my purchase today, so it makes spending forty eight dollars on a small tube of concealer and a microchip sized eyeshadow ok. i think this week i'm going to get my eyebrows waxed. hmmm, i love the girly life.

i've been high all day and i need to sleep it off so i can get high some more tonight. hmmm, i love sundays.

who made who

yoikes. it's saturday morning, 8:30, and i've been up since seven. i get to go to work today for a morning workshop on real estate law. fun! and then i'm going to stick around for a few more hours and catch up on all the other shit i never seem to have time to do during the week. yesterday i spent 4 hours transcribing a voice recording of a meeting that was fifty seven minutes long. but, oddly enough, i don't totally hate doing that kind of thing-- it just takes for fucking ever. i do get a chance to write a lot because i usually just don't transcribe meetings, i usually summarize them. so it gives me a lot of room to paraphrase and interpret the content of the recordings. it's a good skill, and it's really helping my typing speed. plus, the content of these meetings is generally so far away from my range of knowledge, i'm forced to learn entirely new things whether i want to or not.

i was asking myself the other day why i bother writing the things i do on this blog. i haven't really thought very hard about that since i started the uglier house. maybe it's time to reassess this thing. i obviously want people to read it, but why? who am i primarily trying to connect with -- strangers or people i know? when i started this blog, i was living in whitehorse and going through a freaky time with a room mate i got "intimately" involved with. it was like keeping a "public" secret, putting out my dirt for my friends who don't live in whitehorse. now, i don't live in whitehorse and my life is pretty boring. the things i think about a lot of the time pertain to my life there (like my "special friend," and all the debaucherous times at my neighbour's house, to mention a few examples.)i don't mind having a quiet life right now. i think i need this time to rest and regroup. i don't really care about going to berlin at the moment. my original plan was to try and get a tsl job there after living in regina, but now i just want to go back to whitehorse and do berlin later.

anyway, back to why i have this blog. . . i don't know. i'm a wannabe exhibitionist? i want someone to read this shit and "see me for who i really am?" (puke!) most of my life and thoughts don't get recorded here, though. maybe i should write a memoir and get it over with.

god, i'm totally boring myself. that's a pretty good indication i should stop writing today. hmmm. . . am i trying to entertain or impress people? i think it was easier to do that in whitehorse because my life was more interesting, but now that i'm laying low, there's not so much funny, weird shit to write about.

i just have to

what?

ahh, love. complicated and exhilerating, frustrating and confusing. . . . my special friend from whitehorse will not be coming to see me this month, as previously planned, for perfectly reasonable reasons. nevertheless, i took it badly and more significantly, i took it personally. again. it's hard not to do that though, and i really try, but it usually takes awhile to come to my (common) senses when it comes to "affairs of the heart." sigh.

side note: i wish i hadn't revealed this blog site to the few people i did in whitehorse because even if no one there reads it, i know they might. and it makes me totally self conscious about what i write about and how it might be perceived. like now, for example-- talking about "love stuff" and icky things like feelings and relationships and whatnot. i already feel like a dork. maybe subconsciously, i want. . . well, i'm not sure, so i won't bother speculating about it here.

anyway, i love someone who i essentially chose to move away from for various reasons primarily not related to him. or so i thought. now i'm wondering if i'm being honest with myself. did i use my mom's health issues, my unemployment, my etc. as an excuse for not wanting to deal with living in a small city with the man that i love and can't be with right now? is that really it? i thought about that when i made the decision to leave, but i think i shoved it under the other "concerns" so i could think of myself as more of a "responsible decision maker" instead of a confused and scared freak regarding relationships. it's a lot nicer to think of my move as a result of me being a good daughter, than it is to equate it with running away from my insecurities and having to witness my lover "getting over me." and it leads me to wonder about all the decisions i make regarding my life. do i make decisions based on fear and "imagined" reactions of other people? am i as reactionary as i don't want to be? yikes.

and then a lot of the time i feel like i've got my head sorted and the next minute i'm freaking out again.

why do i even post this stuff? i need to chill out.