i've been feeling very thick and ponderous lately. like, i feel like how a walrus looks. not very pretty, not very energetic. but that's ok. it won't last forever, but right now my clothes are too tight and i like to hate myself because of it instead of remembering that hot chicks come in every size. and i am nothing if not a hot chick.
today may be the last day of this current stretch of unemployment and i'm ready to start doing again, as opposed to just being. just being seems to make me fat and sad. plus, being in the thrall of my family dynamic also seems to drag my ass down. (ok. i'll be honest here instead of blaming all the cicumstances, it's me that's making life shitty.)ever since "the summer of mental health issues" i've been "taking time off" to "re-evaluate my goals." so far, my "goals" seem farther away than they did before i started acting on them. maybe because i'm a great thinker and not such a great doer. how does one change that? i mean, doing shit is hard, and i'm, like, a girl who really, really likes to take it easy. i mean, even when i have all the time in the world, i refuse to do anything productive with it. that would interfere with my right to do nothing, you know.
thank god the holidays are over. x-mas is for kids. as an adult, the holidays only serve to magnify family dysfunction and personal neurosis. new year's eve is a stupid time to get drunk and disorderly because people tend to feel pressure to overdo it, and i always find it so melancholy. new year's resolutions are a recipe for failure and deepening feelings of inadequacey. oh, yeah. i've got my "poopy pants" on and i know that shit stinks. again, this funk is temporary. deep, deep down in my sweet, chocolate syrup drenched heart, i'm a raging optimist.
(note: it is now later, and i've just returned from my final interview and will be starting work tomorrow morning at 8. i'm so fabulous i'm going to shit my pants. my job involves admin work, paralegal duties, and multi-project managing for a law firm and a small but dynamic business. yeah, i'm not sure exactly what my job is yet, but i guess i'll find out once i start doing it. the office is in a gorgeous heritage house down the block from my apartment. yay!)
new year's eve was pretty tame. movies and homemade pizza with my friend heather who is in town from toronto. we got crazy for about 20 minutes, then went back to the couch to finish the devil wears prada. yes, i know. but i was hoping it would be a fashion extravaganza and fun and dishy and all that, but it was, in fact, just lame. it was the least effort meryl streep has ever had to put into a character, and to her credit, she was as entertaining as she could have been given the overall lameness of the script.
anyhoo, i'm going to enjoy my last day of freedom by reading the walrus (yes. i'm serious.) and eating the last of the x-mas cookies. i'm out of weed, so it looks like a gravol induced high tonight. happy new year.
4 comments:
Ugh. I know EXACTLY how you feel- or at least felt up until you got your new job. I haven't beent o work since the 16th, and I don't want to go back, even though I always feel better about everything when I go to work. I even LIKE the work! I never like work! Even though I think I like sitting on my ass and doing nothing all day, I know I am always happier when I am productive and appear to be a functioning member of society.
Good times!
I have a blog going on myspace now. You should read it. I ended my other one on this network bc I didn't dig it anymore. Dig?
well, as you probably noticed, i never made it to your place for new year's. blame that one on the sudafed/effedrine/red wine combo (my version of a drug cocktail.) i felt like courtney love on a slow night. oh, plus it was temporarily winter for an evening. did you notice? actual winter cold? and on new year's too - so convenient. so my options were rather limited. i went to two house parties, ran into an old friend from vancouver, got felt up, and called it a night. not bad, really, although i think i should set my sights higher for next year.
oh, and i thought i was the only one who didn't make good use of free time! like, i spent most of my christmas break either drunk in bars, or at home fiddling around with photoshop, making totally painstaking yet totally pointless things.
but today at work i wrote an actual, paper letter to jonathan (remember him? remember paper letters?) and so i felt a certain sense of accomplishment there. mind you, technically i got paid to write that letter. i can only hope you'll have as much free time at your new job as i do at mine . . .
I certainly DID notice you never showed up to my place for NY's! Also, I feel your reasons are weak at best. 'Winter for an evening'? You managed 2 other partiesm yet somehow never made it to Vancouver.
On a different note- I have moved out of my old place and have given away most of my worldly possesions (ie all my furniture) so I will have an easier time moving to Regina. All I have now are some sentimental items, clothes, paints and my computer.
I am watching the CBC (arrested development is on there now!) and there is a french-speaking show on. Why?
More developments- I now have a ride to Regina with some wonderful 50 yr old gay man named Jason, who is leaving around feb/mar who will take all my shit over in his van. Good times. Now I need a job over there and everything is set! Oh- and a place.
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