love is annoying

i feel contemptuous today. specifically of my boyfriend. i am alarmed by this because i am supposed to be in love with him. i'm hoping that i feel this way because i quit smoking cold turkey and have a nagging weird pain in my mouth that never goes away. plus, there's a variety of drugs swimming in my veins that are supposed to relieve that nagging weird pain. at any rate, i need more personal space. i can't spend too much time with even my closest friends without hating them a little bit. i'm sure he'll understand. he's used to tempermental head cases-- he was a theatre promoter in the late 80's- early 90's in toronto. it's hard not to be jealous of him sometimes-- he's had the life that i always kind of wanted: full of famous people (including kid's in the hall and kurt cobain-- major influences when i was a teenager, icons of my youth, etc.) travelling, the "finer things in life" and drugs. sigh. oh well. biologically, he should die before i do, especially now that i've quit smoking.

i saw what i might look like with a penis this morning, though. that was interesting. m. was laying on his bed naked and i was straddling him while fully clothed. when i looked down, his penis was positioned in a way that it looked like it was coming out of my pants. i said, "i have a penis." and we laughed and laughed.