butt reactions

well. here i am. i haven't really had the time or the inclination to post anything for awhile, but today i'm far, far away from where i live. someone is making coffee and porridge for me, and there's good music on the stereo. so it seems like the right time to start writing again.

i'm on holiday in the city where i came from. it's been pretty stressful so far because i think i've been forcibly repressing some intense feelings and now it's manifesting in anxiety attacks and obsessive thoughts and behaviours. for example: i'm obsessed with the idea that i'm losing my hair. i also fell down the stairs today.

and i don't live with him anymore. i don't know what to call him now since he's not my room mate. it got a bit shitty near the end. i was having a hard time "being cool" but it's over now. i haven't spoken to him or seen him since i came back to the house the day after i moved out to pick up a library book i forgot. i was startled to see one of my friends sitting on the couch. jazz was playing on the stereo and he was obviously drunk. i stuttered my way to the book and out the door as quickly as possible and i've been studiously avoiding him ever since. i don't even want to talk about him. i don't walk past his house. i don't look out my window. if people try to tell me what he's up to, i tell them i don't want to hear it. i thought it was necessary to close myself off like that in order to move forward and prevent myself from getting stuck on pointless, obsessive thinking about him (like, what is he doing? why doesn't he want to do that with me? whose car is that? are they fucking? etc.) it seemed important to establish a strong boundary that way immediately, since i live right next door. and it was working. but all that tension has to have an outlet. and now i'm a bit of a basket case.

it's ok though. i just have to deal with it. and when i get back home i'll be so busy with work, and settling in with my new room mates, it won't be too difficult to sort out what's important to think about and what's just self defeating bullshit.