satan's toothpaste

i do this weird thing when i get stressed out or depressed. i obsess over my hair. more specifically, how i don't believe i have enough hair and everyone can see this and feels sorry for me because i have a moderately pretty face and it's a shame my hair is so horrid so they don't say anything to me about it. except hairdressers. they really like to tell me how dry and thin my hair is. it freaks me right the fuck out. i imagine that i'm a few strands away from looking like kim mitchell. for people who are not familiar with kim mitchell, he is an 80's canadian "rocker" with long stringy hair except on the top of his head. he wears a baseball cap all the time. or he used to. i have no idea what kim's doing these days. anyway, i walk around feeling like an ugly freak. no matter what my friends say, i cannot accept the fact that i simply have really fine hair and i actually look completely normal. i hate being such a neurotic weirdo sometimes. maybe my hair would be healthier if i could chill the fuck out.

i also have a urinary tract infection. i had to give a urine sample today at the walk in clinic. there's such a shortage of doctors here that i haven't been able to find a regular physician in three years. i had one for a summer (whom i hated because she said i was a drug addict after i told her how much pot i smoked. doesn't she know addicts don't like to be told to do less drugs? we also don't like harsh judgements from our health care providers.) anyway, she left town without forwarding any of her patient files to other doctors or informing her patients that she was leaving, for that matter. whatever. back to the urine sample. i had to pee in a dixie cup while looking at myself in a mirror. i was hunched over, peeing on my hand and all i could think of was how much better i would look doing that if i had more hair and how cruel it is to have mirrors like that in a walk in clinic bathroom. oh yeah, i also got my period today, so this experience was extra fun. what else happened today? hmm. well, i woke up at 2am and couldn't get back to sleep because the waves of fear just wouldn't let me. i'm having job anxiety right now because i have a new boss whose function is to make my shop and others like it way more money than we're making right now. he expects me actually work, which i am not accustomed to. really, no one has cared at all what i've been doing for the past 18 months and suddenly i'm being pushed into being some sort of "business person." i'm scared that i won't be able to perform. so there's that. and, i got served with a summons to court today for an incident that happened at the shop over the summer. one of the summer staff sold cigarettes to a minor, got caught and failed to tell me about it. i was hoping it was forgotten, but apparently health canada never forgets. all in all, a very shitty day.

i suddenly don't want to think about any of this anymore. i wish m. was here right now.