i invented a new kind of tobogganing. it's called "porn sledding" and i discovered it quite by accident. did you know that it's possible to "perform" at least six sexually suggestive positions while tobogganing down a hill on an inner tube? your partner doesn't even have to be willing, let alone know what's going on. "porn sledding" is aided by break-neck speed, limited visibility and friends who know "what you're like."
here's the aftermath
what really happened: kim and i were coming down the hill and i was starting to slide off the front of the tube. my legs were getting caught in front of us and i had a horrible premonition of breaking them both in a spectacular freak tobogganing accident. i didn't want to break my legs, so i was clutching and flailing at anything to hoist myself back on the tube. it just happened to be kim's leg that i grabbed in such a way that it became hooked over my shoulder, thus putting her in an awkward spread eagle. her crotch was in my face. i mean, other things happened too, but i want to keep that private. anyway, it was a lot of fun for me. i laughed and laughed.
3 comments:
winter fun! that kind of reminds me of the time i spent new year's eve in the woods in northern saskatchewan and there was a huge skidoo accident which sent me and about six other people flying into various snow-banks. i landed on top of cam wensel, who at the time was quite the looker (he's since let himself go a bit) and so i just kind of stayed there for a while, feigning injury, because when you're me, you have to exploit your romantic opportunities whenever they present themselves.
also, it reminds me of that time you had the "porn christmas tree."
i introduced the "porn tree" to the yukon a few X-mas's ago. it was stunning but, perhaps, a bit much for the northern folks at the time. i think i'll try it again this year. "pornaments" are my greatest contribution to the world as of yet, and i feel it's my responsibility to defame x-mas as much as possible by sexualizing a tree. it's really hilarious.
Pornaments!!! Brilliant! I must have one immediately.
Send to:
Wendy Wacholtz
145 w 23rd Ave
Vancouver BC
V5Y 2H1.
On another note, I think I want to steal your boyfriend. Mine will not have sex with me bc he has become embarrassed about his quickness in the sack, as it were. He would also be embarrassed if he knew I was writing about him and discussing this issue with my friends, but who cares anyways?
It also turns out he is somewhat of a little racist! I will have him fixed though, or this cannot continue. It's embarrassing, man.
Anyhoo, send me pornaments immediately and I will spare you from me stealing your man!
No rehab for me anytime soon by the way- there is a half-year waiting list! Ha! Take that mom and dad! I'm drunk right now! AND I'm at work!
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