i think it's time to let go of long hair. who am i trying to kid? and the thought of working for anyone other than myself is making me more and more angry these days. i was all worried that my lack of enthusiasm for "jobs" and "work" meant that i was lazy and unambitious, a "slacker" or possibly even a loser. i'm certainly not the "go-getter" type that is so revered in what i've come to truly understand as the most idiotic model for successful living ever produced in modern society. i don't need to have a fraction of the things that i'm supposed to be working for. i don't want to make money to buy things. i don't think debt is a good idea. i don't want to sell my time to anyone. i got really high last night and started going off on how the only time i feel truly gratified and at peace with myself is when i'm cutting up magazines and arranging the pieces in grid patterns. i felt my eyes get wet when i was trying to describe to my boyfriend how much i like sharp scissors and glue. he said i should just face the fact that i am really an artist and i should stop dismissing those impulses as frivolous side line activities. he also said i was the cutest marxist he's ever seen. so, now i'm relieved to know that i'm not actually lazy, i'm just not interested in what almost everyone else thinks is important. i already knew that, but good pot really clarifies my feelings sometimes. it makes it a lot easier for me articulate the things that actually are important. my goal is to eventually stop working for other people so that all my time is mine to make things i want to look at.
i also revealed to m. last night that i want to take voice lessons. i always thought it would be great to be able to sing loudly and on key about sea creatures and what went on during my day.
m. is gone for an entire month- i drove him to the airport this morning and now i'm sitting in front of the computer wearing his favorite t-shirt (i know that sounds lame, but this shirt is fucking awesome. it has a giant faded skull on the front and is 19 years old.) my hair is really greasy and i've just finished making plans to babysit on new year's eve. at least my sweatpants still fit. january is going to be a long month. at least x-mas is over.
speaking of which, i spent x-mas eve with m. in a hotel room snorting coke and fucking for hours. we rented non-stop porn on pay per view. it was great, but i've discovered my maximum porn saturation point is three hours. m. hates x-mas so we had to do something subversive. on x-mas day, i went to turkey dinner with 20 of my friends in a cabin in the woods. m. stayed home and watched an animated movie he found under our couch. no one knows who it belongs to or where it came from.
