it's ok

well thank god i know how to read. i just spent 65 dollars on books yesterday. better yet, one of the books has useful information about how to live. yes, my friends, i have delved into the world of self help literature. and i am not ashamed. because if there's one thing i know, is that i'll do whatever it takes to feel good. feeling bad is no fun, and i'm tired of it. so. . . .

what i want: more love, more confidence, a car, more money, a general sense of well-being, more power, more creativity, more security, to shine like a big bright star, to be magnetically beautiful, to reclaim my intelligence, to be healthy.

and that's just what i can think of now. and i don't see a good goddamn reason why i can't have everything i want. so that's that. wish me luck.

whoop-a dee-doooooo

well. i'm back. i haven't felt like i had the time or personal space to start posting since moving into my new digs, but you know, fuck it. i've got things to say.

for example, it's not exactly been sweet relief since i moved out of my old place. the new roomies are great, but for some reason my mental state has been, well, unsettled. in fact, i'm considering going back on medication. life seems like a long fall into bad right now. i'm constantly uncomfortable. i'm constantly vigilant. my body is like twisted wire. my shoulders hurt so much. i want so badly to feel normal again. the party is over it seems.

i've been trying to treat myself gently. but, for some reason, i can't seem to stop being an idiot. i feel like i'm in a box with only my past. just me, in a tight dark space with my heavy wet breath, and my past up to the last second it happened. and there is no future that does not contain this moment. it's unbelievable, really. i can't seem to finesse my way out of this one. i'm fucking tired. and i want someone to take over. i want someone to come to me, put me to bed, kiss my forehead, and tell me exactly what i need to hear. but, i don't know what that is. and, also, i know that i'm the only one i can count on to do that for me. god. listen to me. i should tell you, i'm really drunk and high right now. which is exactly the wrong state for me to be in. however, here i am. surprise.

i've been experiencing an intense state of anxiety for the past month and a half. i dread, dread, dread this summer. i dread every responsiblity that i have. i feel incompetent. i feel scared. every day is like a what-if of disaster. i feel alone in this stupid life i've created for myself. i thought it would be better here. where has my magic transformation gone?

christ. i have really missed this. my forum for self-pity. letting it all out in this public/private space.