what?

ahh, love. complicated and exhilerating, frustrating and confusing. . . . my special friend from whitehorse will not be coming to see me this month, as previously planned, for perfectly reasonable reasons. nevertheless, i took it badly and more significantly, i took it personally. again. it's hard not to do that though, and i really try, but it usually takes awhile to come to my (common) senses when it comes to "affairs of the heart." sigh.

side note: i wish i hadn't revealed this blog site to the few people i did in whitehorse because even if no one there reads it, i know they might. and it makes me totally self conscious about what i write about and how it might be perceived. like now, for example-- talking about "love stuff" and icky things like feelings and relationships and whatnot. i already feel like a dork. maybe subconsciously, i want. . . well, i'm not sure, so i won't bother speculating about it here.

anyway, i love someone who i essentially chose to move away from for various reasons primarily not related to him. or so i thought. now i'm wondering if i'm being honest with myself. did i use my mom's health issues, my unemployment, my etc. as an excuse for not wanting to deal with living in a small city with the man that i love and can't be with right now? is that really it? i thought about that when i made the decision to leave, but i think i shoved it under the other "concerns" so i could think of myself as more of a "responsible decision maker" instead of a confused and scared freak regarding relationships. it's a lot nicer to think of my move as a result of me being a good daughter, than it is to equate it with running away from my insecurities and having to witness my lover "getting over me." and it leads me to wonder about all the decisions i make regarding my life. do i make decisions based on fear and "imagined" reactions of other people? am i as reactionary as i don't want to be? yikes.

and then a lot of the time i feel like i've got my head sorted and the next minute i'm freaking out again.

why do i even post this stuff? i need to chill out.